Not a Clone or an Angel
by Kaworu Naha ga bisa
Summary: A very bizzare tale regarding Rei's true origins. It involved Bill Murray, Dan Akyroyd, Ghostbusters, Horsemen of Apocalypse, and Rei's hot cousins. Also, Gozer is Lilith and a ninja.


A/N: I just read Through the Mind of One, and wow, quiet a twist the guy put that Rei was a genetically manipulated girl instead of a clone from Yui's DNA. It was really good (although it left a plothole regarding Naoko's fate), and Gendo went insane, suffering Rei's tortures in his own mind for eternity until his death was very satisfying conclusion. I always enjoy a good dossiers of Gendo Bashing, even if i found him more sympathetic than your average EVA fans. Of course, my sick mind had to be inspired by something interesting into making something wicked. And then, the idea for this fanfic was born.

Originally, i wanted to make a Self Insert story where two guys stole Rei clones and made them aged faster than normal human until they became adult to troll Gendo and Rei by posing as Rei's older sister and Yui. But i decided to make it 'real' instead. So, here you go! The truth behind of Ayanami.

* * *

"Pay attention, please!" Said the old teacher, which only managed to cooled down some students without grabbed their attention. In short, he failed in his attempt. "I'm going to be off the town for a month. Personal business. So please greet our subtitute teacher while i'm gone."

"Hi! I'm Reiko Anami! How is it hanging?"

The girl managed to do the thing the teacher wanted to without as much as attempt as he did. For a very justified and understandable reason.

Stood at 5'8, the young woman was a very amazing sight to behold. Those who had their attentions at someone's beauty would have a field day with her. Tall, especially for Japanese woman with athletic build, she was also packed with great figures, heart shaped beautiful face with pink lips, eyes that were full of spirit for life and cute nose, shapely legs with skirt that only reached up to her knees, and best of all, a very angelic-like smile that could melt every gentleman's heart.

 _37-24-37...man, what a babe!_ A certain jock in the class just took a guess at how much she matured, which as the number guessed, really... paid off.

Of course, not only him who became affixed toward the beauty, as many howled and whistled at the young woman.

Meanwhile, the guys and girls with more attentions at something else, such as an unusual look toward someone would also had a great time at analyzing her. Azure haired, pale skin to the point of albinism and crimson, nearly bloodshot eyes, not only she looked...alien with her features had you not got attracted to her by more conventional means, but also she held a very certain similar look to someone in the class.

 _Woah...she looked like-_

"Ayanami-san! I don't know that you have a sister?!" Said Hikari to the shell-shocked Rei, who cutted Shinji out of his thought.

"Your hot sister!" Toji exclaimed in such a high spirit. "Look at her big tits, her long legs, her-"

At this point, a pinch to the ear has been received at Toji Suzuhara for his obvious pervertedness. Class rep really had her reputation as Tsundere class B to be hold as long as she could.

"Teehee! Looks like i already make a commotion in the class, sir." Reiko said, stucked her tongue out while closed one of her eyes mischiviously. Not a sign of her disaproved the crude remark was saw from her.

Still at his oggling mode, meanwhile, Kensuke Aida noticed something after the blue haired babe spoke again.

She looked like older Rei.

Older Rei who immediately smiled at her introduction to the class. Not just a small smile. A really big, welcoming smile.

And just stucked her tongue out in flirty way. While grinned.

Rei Ayanami. There was two of them now. One of them was now an adult. An easy on the eyes on that. Not that the younger one was not a looker by herself, but the nature of maturing has done a damn fine job to the older one.

And she smiled. Twice. And she giggled in one of those smile.

That could only meant one thing...

"AAAARGH! IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!"

"Kensuke Aida! Watch your manner!" The teacher ordered to the military otaku.

"St...stay away from us, you hellspawn!" Kensuke stammered, now stood up and holding a chair as a meant for protection.

"Hei, you stooge! What the hell are you talking about?"

"Blue devil, Red devil" He pointed to each one of them "...it all make sense! The second horseman apocalypse, is just arriving in the form of adult Rei Ayanami."

The whole class sweatdropped at this crazy remark from the bespetacled conspiracy theorist.

Said blue devil, however, was not even fazed at all.

She getting closer to the maniac boy, leaned over against him with their face only separated by several centimetres. Had it been Toji or someone else, even Shinji, they would have their eyes wandering to someplace lower, and blood would be flowing to several parts of their anatomy as a result. However, the conspirational part of him had taken over his healthy mind, so all he did, was staring at those powerful, piercing eyes of her. He became paler within several seconds as she stared into his soul.

"Well, Mr. Aida. I think we can easen up some misunderstanding here and-"

"NOOOO! STAY AWAY FROM ME!"

With that, Kensuke was gone. It would take a long time for him to join the class activity again, as a fall from three stories tall building was not something easy for human body to take. Not to mention the cuts from the effort to break the glass.

Silence engulfed the crowd, as they tried to digest what the hell just happened in the past few minutes.

"Oh, my. Well, i'll be damned." She said, before she raised her hand to the chattering crowd. "Save your questions for now, boys and girls! I want to have some talks with my cousin right here first."

"COUSIN?" The class screamed in unison.

"Wait a minute. You're not her sister?" One of the student asked in curiosity. Said woman only shrugged in response.

"It should be obvious, isn't it?"

Something in Shinji and Asuka's mind screamed that this should be obvious since the beginning; Ayami is not a subtitute for Ayanami, even if both were related to World War II.

With that, both pilots did a collective, synchronized facepalm.

"Of course. Rei Ayanami."

"Yes. My little cousin. Thank you for your help today, Sensei. You can go now."

"Umm, what? Oh, yes. Oh, yes. I'll be going now. Take care, everyone!"

With that, the teacher gone, leaving the class with this very stunning new teacher, in many ways.

Now, the new teacher went to her target.

Her relative.

"Well, Rei...how is it going?"

"Who...who are you?" For the first time in her life, the First Child stammered and hesistated. Had someone else noticed her expression on the whole fiasco, you will noticed a shock at her face. Of course. She knew her face too well, and the sight of her older self stood in front of the class was...shocking. Absolutely shocking, to say the least. Especially when the girl claimed that she was...

Meanwhile, at the sight of stammering Rei Ayanami, some students began to wonder if Kensuke was right all along.

"My, my. I suppose you're not paying any attention back then, weren't you?"

She collected her composure, managed to get that soft, and yet cold, emotionless voice back without any betrayal of emotions. "Identify yourself." The tone of her words were so chilling that the temperature of the class got lowered by many degrees.

The older girl only did a mock pout, and spoke, "That's not the way to greet your cousin." She sighed and spoke again. "Did Gendo, or rather, Venkman really screwed up your brain that much when i'm gone?"

"Wh...what?" She stammered again.

"Well, you know, i'm surprised that old bastard really became the Commander of NERV. I mean, no offense, but he's always being a...nutcase. I bet he told you many outrageous things about your origin, like...you know. Made out of his dead wife, being an half angel or...holding the soul of the angel or something. You know. He's in Pilgrim Psychiatric Center for a while, if you wanna ask how nutty he was after Yui's death. Sorry, Shinji. "She smiled that beautiful yet apologetic smile at the said boy. Some of the boys literally melted. "Not working, the therapy they done to him, so we got him back."Somehow she channeled Yoda for a while. "I'm sorry that my family cannot protect you while i'm gone to Germany, but um...he hold the custody of you, when i'm gone for a while. We can't do anything after that, until i...got this idea. I'm sorry that it was so late for us to help you out of your hell." The whole class had their jaws dropped at her explanation. What kind of nutcase who could even do things like that?

"You lied."She came so close to the truth, and yet she was so far from it. She really didn't know everything...or is she?

"Well, why would i?"

"Remove yourself from this place, or i shall-"

"Call the Section 2 agents? Well, if you wanna know, they also tired of Gendo's bullshit. Do it. I won't give a damn. And i could done the same thing to you, since i'm, well, the teacher here. I'm the one who hold the authority in the class. Sorry, Mrs. Horaki." The young woman smiled an apology at the class representative.

Everyone in the class was stunned. How could she had so confidence in her stature? It was Rei Ayanami, a girl who could've pierced your soul from her gaze alone who were arguing with her. A girl who can freeze the temperature of the room by a few degrees from her voice. A girl who was considered, in general, a freak. And yet, she didn't back away. Even after the albino threatened her.

"Okay. I shall then."

The girl stay brave. Not a single ounce of changed emotion was observed from her other than slight annoyance.

"This is Pilot Ayanami. We have an urgent situation here. There is a mad woman in class 2-A...yes, she has crimson eyes and pale complexion not unlike me...what? The Commander has been captured by Johns Hopkins's personnel? I...i see. Thank you for this newest information, agent Hiro." She said as her voice began to tremble and dissappear in shock.

The class were shocked because of someone's unimaginable reaction; Rei Ayanami shocked. Not that kind of just widening eyes case. She became paler than before, her eyes became even more devoid of energy than ever. She was truly shaken by the new ordeal.

Kensuke's believers began to raise in number again.

"Well, cousin?"

Nothing really worked for her to justified what just happened to her life. For all her life she has been convinced that the Commander was someone who had to be followed, and it was only until recently that she decided that she was merely his tool, which she cannot do anything about it, thereby assisted her in her decision to desire for nothingness.

But now she learnt that the Commander was nothing but a raving lunatic that had been reinstated in a mental hospital where he was truly belong after long time of manipulations toward everyone, including her. There was only one thing she could do in this situation.

"Hey, wait!"

Yup. She just pulled the infamous move that only those from Ikari bloodline truly mastered.

Running away.

The woman then made her own run, leaving the class to tend their own study object by themselves, but not without her jiggling body parts made the guys either melt or nosebleeding with pressure measured at 35. Not that studying was something important in the first place, since the old guy rambled about nothing but Second Impact since the beginning of the semester, but perhaps she would bring something new to the table outside of a much more refreshing teacher to look at. Unfortunately, they had to wait for a while, studying by themselves in peace and tranquility.

Not that something like that really happened in the chaotic Tokyo-3, as the class was split into two battling faction. The first faction, led by Toji Suzuhara, was convinced that a true angel was truly exist in the form of Reiko Ayami and perhaps Rei (ooh, the irony...). The second faction, led by Kensuke Aida that somehow survived his fall and returned to his class, was convinced that the woman was an incarnate of one of the horseman instead.

"Hei, Shinji!"

"Y...yeah, Asuka?"

"Is your father really that nuts?"

"Um, i don't know, but, well...that really put his 'all going to scenario' when he playing Shogi with Vice Commander Fuyutsuki in the whole new light, i think."

Then, he and Asuka continued their conversation, ignoring the fact that the whole class has been turned into war zone with Hikari's first recorded total failure in defusing the whole conflict ball of the class. Her cries of defeat from the deviance was unheard, muted by the sounds of chaos and insanity around her that just getting louder by every sounds of broken tables and chairs.

* * *

 _This cannot be the truth. This cannot be the truth. This cannot be the truth._

Yup. Rei Ayanami just made her own mantra of madness.

After requiring for more information, Rei just learnt the truth.

Gendo Ikari was actually Bill Murray from alternate dimension. Where Ghostbusters really exist. The result where Second Impact created ghosts from the dead bodies. Who initiated it in the first place was unknown, but perhaps it was Dan Aykroyd. Well, nobody really know the truth.

Her pale skin was inherited from Ayanami and Ayami's family traits.

Oh, and Yui's incident? Apparently, that was what happened when someone was too cheap to build their own energy sourge for a giant robot. Yeah, the freak decided that his stuffs from his previous days as Ghostbusters were sufficient, ignoring stuffs such as incompability and testing. Of course, all footage that showed Yui voluntereed for it were CG generated. She was incapacitated first...forcefully.

And Lilith? It was actually the new form of Gozer. Yeah, Lilith was actually a mutilated Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, in case you wondering whether it's the truth (Fourth wall? Where?). And Second Impact was resulted from Bill Murray's time travelling with a giant monster followed him.

The real question is, how the hell did SEELE trusted him in the first place?

Rei Ayanami came close to sensory overload.

"I'm sorry, Rei. I'll explain everything to you."

A sensory overload was experienced in the janitor closet as another unfamiliar pale beauty came for her aid.

"Crap. Reiko really overdid it."

"Well, excuse me, then, Lenny."

Both faces looking at each others after awkwardly.

"Sorry. Had a class to teach."

* * *

A/N: Well, there you go. The craziest fanfic regarding Rei's true origin in the first place. Do you like it?

Also, next chapter will feature Rei and her cousins as Ghostbusters. Yeah. Looks like Second Impact's real impact (oh god, the punnnn...) was really more bizzare and destructive in the first place. I don't know how the fuck it ended like this, but man, i'm fucked up, aren't i? But seriously, do you think out of billions dying souls, none of it had regrets for it's life and unable to completely rest? Well, that's the basis for this story.


End file.
